Change is difficult no matter your age. For children, change, especially involving divorce, can manifest feelings of insecurity and spur bouts of acting out. Since there is little else they can control in the situation, behavior often becomes a tool to express their opposition.

One way children express opposition is through rejection. Rejecting the new mate is your child’s way of saying, “I didn’t choose this and I don’t approve.” They identify accepting the new spouse with approving of the divorce or being ready to move on. It doesn’t matter how well the spouse treats them nor how much he or she does for them, they will continue to push the person away in protest until they come to terms with the changes.

Here are three key things you can do to help them transition.

1) Encourage Open yet Careful Communication
Allow your child to openly share their grievances, fears, and inhibitions with you without the fear of punishment. Allow them to speak freely but do not permit them to be disrespectful. Set boundaries ahead of time that will foster good communication and mutual respect. It is unlikely you will dispel all issues presented; however, establishing open lines of communication is invaluable.

2) Offer Consistency
In the midst of change, children will look for any semblance of normalcy in an attempt to reclaim security and stability. Be as consistent as possible with home structures, discipline, and activities. Prepare them ahead of time with possible disruptions. Establishing a routine and creating a schedule with your child, will provide tangible boundaries that will help them feel safe.

3) Provide Choices
Offering your child opportunities to make choices will help them feel like they have some control and are contributing to the family. This may cut back on their need to use behavior as a tool. Choices should be between two predetermined options, such as, “Should we have lasagne or hot dogs for dinner?” Open-ended choices can be overwhelming and cause frustration. Plus, you want to be sure you can provide what they’ve chosen.

Implementing these three things will alleviate some of the tension and uncertainties your child is experiencing. When they feel safe and settled, they will be more able to adjust to changes.